Let’s start with honestly acknowledging that it is probably every parent’s primal fear whether they’re keeping their child safe enough. Even in wilderness, we see how strong the protective instincts of animals are when it comes to protecting their young ones. As humans, our challenges are infinitely more complex than those in the jungle. Predators take more subtle forms.
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It is usually around the age of 4, by which time a child can differentiate between the familiar and the unfamiliar, that they also start to grasp rudimentary concepts of safety and danger. Coming to good touch and bad touch – It is important to understand that children, at this stage of their development, will take what you say quite literally. They cannot discriminate varying degrees of a particular concept just yet. They will demonstrate a common response to all situations that fit the initial criteria of being “right” or “wrong”, irrespective of context. This would make negotiating everyday life quite the challenge, not to mention confusing to a small child. While "good touch, bad touch" education is intended to protect, it can have some drawbacks, particularly in kindergarten, where small children can easily misinterpret situations. It may also interfere with their natural survival instincts to report something insidious because they have been given labels into which things must fit as either “good” or “bad”.
A binary classification of touch into “good” and “bad” in early childhood before the age of 6 years has the flip side that children can start to find all physical touch overwhelming. Every touch sees a sort of botched dissection in the child’s mind in attempts to classify and act on it, and since they cannot logically process information at this age, even an innocent hug from a familiar adult may be interpreted as a bad touch, and bewildering anxiety starts creeping into their minds. They could show a blanket fear response to all touch initiatives. This affects their confidence in interactions with others, whether peers or adults.
Before going further, we must also understand the inherent innocence & mind of an early-years child between 2 to 5 years. Until at least the age of 6 years, logical reasoning and the ability to break down and understand concepts are yet to emerge or at the very initial stages, and children will take what is said to them at face value. This can lead to unrealistic grasping of what’s acceptable and what’s not.
Let us look at how explicitly talking about good touch and bad touch in the kindergarten stage can be harmful more than helpful.
Confusion with trusted individuals: Children may struggle to differentiate between appropriate touch from trusted adults and unsafe touch from someone they know. Restroom caregivers, teachers of the opposite gender or a medical examination can trigger resistance and unwillingness to accept what’s necessary or conventionally normal.
Fear and Anxiety: The focus on "bad touch" can create unnecessary fear and anxiety in young children, particularly around physical contact from trusted adults or peers. Instilling a predisposition to deep fear of strangers or certain types of touch can hinder healthy social development and make it difficult for children to form positive relationships.
Binary classifications & the real world: The "good touch/bad touch" framework can be too simplistic for the spectrum variety of human interaction, making it difficult for children to recognize subtle forms of abuse or unsafe situations. Then again, let us imagine a child who experiences a touch that is uncomfortable to them, breaches their sense of personal space and body boundaries, but isn’t categorized as “bad”. The child would be confused and hesitant about expressing this.
Misinterpretation: If a perpetrator manipulates a child by claiming their actions are "good" or "special," the child may not recognize it as “bad” touch, even if it feels uncomfortable. This may hinder the child’s natural instincts to report any form of abuse.
Guilt and shame: If a child experiences abuse but doesn't initially recognize it as "bad" (perhaps because the perpetrator framed it positively), they may feel guilty or ashamed, leading them to hesitate or not speak about the incident. We must understand that the words “good” and “bad” by themselves are quite overloaded. There is an almost automated transmission of guilt attached to the word “bad” that even the small child picks up through everyday societal cues.
Oversimplification & limited scope:The concept of "good touch, bad touch" can oversimplify the complexities of child sexual abuse, which may involve manipulation, grooming, and emotional abuse that doesn't always involve physical contact. It puts the entire focus on physical touch, neglecting other forms of unsafe behavior like inappropriate looks, invasion of personal space, or exposure to inappropriate media.
So, what is the right age to broach the subject directly?
Age 6 onwards, when the logical and reasoning mind emerges, i.e., at the primary school stage, a conversation can be had more directly with children.
Should we not say anything at all in kindergarten?
The answer is yes, we can say something in kindergarten. But instead of confusing the child with nuances they cannot comprehend at this stage, here’s what can be said instead - Once there is awareness of the parts of the body, typically towards the middle or end of the Pre-KG school year (2.5 to 3.5 years), the following can be repeated to the child, both at home and school -
No one should touch you “here” or… (mention the list of body parts ) other than mom/dad/grandparent…(mention the list of all caregivers approved by the parent). If anyone else does, you have to let me (primary care giver parent/teacher) know right away.
This way, if and when the child encounters contact that has been pre-defined by the parent or teacher as one to be reported, the parent or teacher can immediately clarify to the child if that is acceptable or not/take appropriate action. The words “no one should...” is okay for the kindergarten stage as using more or complex words would likely fail the purpose.
It is also beneficial to have a chat about school restroom helpers and doctors/nurses to avoid later challenges.
Once the key instruction ”no one should…” has been assimilated by the child, and this timeframe will vary from child to child, we can move to using words such as safe/unsafe touch or comfortable/uncomfortable touch, past the age of around 4 years.
There are many opinions on the subject and we must also recognize that within certain cultural scenarios, there may be variations to societal acceptance of what is appropriate and what is not. When transitioning from one culture to another, such as moving across countries, to avoid a culture shock, it may be best to talk to a child beforehand on what they could expect to see and what is still okay/not okay.
What’s important to take away is that the goal is to keep children safe but not interfere with normal developmental milestones of socialization and formation of bonds. We do not want to constrict their scope of understanding unrealistically, and never too early before they are ready. We want the children to thrive, grow into confident adults who understand and recognize boundaries, personal space, just as much as they do dangerous situations or potential red flags. Age-appropriately, they must be empowered to know what to do, when and how to seek help.
Blog by,
Ms. Sumita Sen Mazumdar
Kindergarten Principal
The Indian Public School,Erode
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